When you’re 43 and without much warning find yourself a widow…there’s no roadmap.  No five step plan on how to survive.  No magic mantra that suddenly makes everything better.  What I did get was a lot of unsolicited advice (mostly from other widows who “totally understood” but were unfortunately a bit out of my age group.  Like 40 years out of it….

Forget “thrive not survive” I could barely get myself together most mornings (ie I sent my daughter to preschool fully dressed…with her pjs still on underneath her clothes).

Somehow a few random things kept me afloat.  Some of them were recommendations from my therapist.  Some of them were suggestions from friends and there were those one or two things that felt absolutely ridiculous at the time.  But still…they helped.  So if you find yourself in your own personal chaos here is my completely unqualified but 100% real life list of things that made the difference for me.

1.    Organizing.  The walls of The Container Store whispered “you still have control of something.”

2.    Regular blowouts.  Because if I looked put together I could pretend I was.

3.    A very specific snack.  Mine? Peanut butter stuffed pretzels.  Don’t ask, I couldn’t explain if I tried.

4.    Accepting help from whoever offered it.  I figured if someone asked “if there was anything they could do to help” and laundry wasn’t on their list?  Oops, my bad.

5.    An insane pair of shoes.  I wasn’t going anywhere but even trying them on in my closet reminded me of who I was and maybe still could be?

6.    Reality TV.  It’s helpful to know your life isn’t the only train wreck in town.

7.    Good friends who just showed up.  If you know you know.

8.    My girls.  Even on the worst days they were the unwavering motivation to push through.

So it’s not really about the blowout…

The point is, sometimes it’s not the life altering things that help you.  Sometimes it’s the stupid, simple, surprisingly small things that remind you, you are still here and you are OK.  If you’re in the middle of your own mess right now I hope you find your peanut butter pretzels…and if you have, please share!  I collect self help ideas like other people collect Labubus.

With love (and dry shampoo to preserve that blowout),

Melissa

It’s not a TikTok GRWM or some peaceful wellness retreat in a matching lounge set. It’s crying in the Trader Joe’s parking lot with your husband’s ashes in the backseat because you had an appointment to pick them up but also forgot to buy your daughter’s milk.  It’s your 4 year old asking you “so who is going to be my new daddy?”  It’s finding out your husband’s cremation had been…rescheduled.  As if grieving with kids isn’t already a full time job, now I’m stuck in an emotional Groundhog Day.  I got through the whole day thinking it had been done only to be told “Oh sorry, that’s happening tomorrow.”  Awesome.

And yes, all of that actually happened. Milk and emotional stability? Underrated!

When my life hit reset, it didn’t come with a fresh planner and a scented candle. It came with grief. Chaos. A mountain of paperwork. And two litte girls looking at me like I had all the answers when I could barely remember to put on pants.

But here’s the part no one tells you:

You don’t have to do it perfectly. You just have to keep going.  Sometimes good enough…is good enough!

Here’s what a real life reboot looks like:

·      Having Goldfish and wine for dinner more nights than I’ll admit in print.

·      Going back to work when I could barely finish a sentence.

·      Pretending I was “fine” when I was actually googling “am I unhinged or just overwhelmed?”

It wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t planned. It definitely wasn’t Instagram-worthy! But little by little, it became mine.

Here’s what helped:

·      Friends who showed up.  They cleaned. They babysat. They brought food.

·      My daughters who gave me a reason to get up, even when I wanted to stay under the covers.

·      An awesome therapist who nodded and said “that makes sense” when nothing felt like it did.

·      Using my Amazon Prime benefits on Shopbop.  Don’t judge.

Where I Am Now:

Now, a little over a decade later, the view’s a little different.

The grief is still there, but so is joy. So is love. So is laughter, sarcasm, and the occasional (ok maybe a bit more than occasional) online shopping spree.

This is Life 2.0 and no, I didn’t land here gracefully. I crash-landed. But I did land.

Your Turn:

If you’ve started over after loss, divorce, a detour, a disaster what did your Day One look like?

Was it pajamas at 2pm and stress carbs? (Same)

Or were you one of those unicorns who took up yoga and “found yourself?” (If so… tell me your secret).

Reply to this email or DM me on Instagram. Tell me your version of the reboot. I’d love to hear it.

Because here’s what I know for sure:  Starting over doesn’t mean you’re lost. It means you’re brave enough to begin again.

Until next time,

Melissa

Founder of My Life 2.0

Crash-tested. Rebooted. Wearing pants…most days.

Welcome to My Life 2.0.  A monthly newsletter, blog and Instagram feed about the sometimes funny, from time to time fabulous and usually ridiculously chaotic life of a recently remarried, widowed mom of teenage twin girls who is embracing the madness of starting over.

A little about my story…There I was, minding my own business in my early 40’s when my husband was diagnosed with cancer and died 3 months later.  You may say I had a lot on my plate at the time.  A full time career I had to dive back into.  Navigating my 4 year olds through the trauma of losing their dad. An entirely new reality to face.  Alone.  Saying I was a hot mess didn’t even begin to cover it.

If you’re reading this you have probably lived enough to know that life doesn’t usually go according to plan and sometimes the best things come after the detour.  At 54, after years of single parenting, grieving, healing and growing, I find myself building a new version of life that I didn’t expect but wouldn’t trade for anything!

Maybe you’ve been through some stuff.  Maybe you also lost your partner.  Or just lost your way.  Or maybe you heard I’m good for a lipstick recommendation and what to buy at Erewhon when you’re sick.  This newsletter is for anyone going through it, found strength they didn’t want and is trying to look like they’ve got it all together (when they definitely don’t).  Even though starting over can be scary, you don’t have to do it alone.

Whether you’re grieving, dating or just trying to remember your Netflix password…I got you.

Here’s to the next chapter,

Melissa

LETS CONNECT!  Follow along on Instagram @mylife2pointzero and DM me to say hi!  I’d love to hear your story!